Welcome back to the Shit Future.
In Circuitry Man‘s specific Shit Future, the oceans have dried up, the air has become unbreathably toxic, and almost everyone lives underground now. In place of drugs, people use ‘chips’ to escape the humdrum sunless existence, plugging them into various USB or HDMI ports located around their bodies. Our heroine is Lori (Dana Wheeler-Nicholson), a badass former bodyguard coerced into attending a deal when her bondage session is interrupted by Yoyo (Barbara Alyn Woods), at which point I wondered exactly what sort of movie Dino had me watching. Anyway, we end up with that old chestnut of a Chip Deal gone wrong, and Lori makes off with a heap of chips like a thief in the night, except it’s hard to tell if it’s actually night or day in the Shit Future.
The main bad guy, assisted by Yoyo, is the head chip dealer Plughead, played by the wonderful Vernon Wells who most people probably remember as the iconic villain Bennett from the Arnold Schwarzenegger classic Commando. He’s a real sight here: remember I said people get off by sticking thumb-drives and the likes into themselves? His head is full of slots for them (that’s him on the poster above, btw), making his name even more hilariously on the nose. Contrary to what you might believe though, he isn’t the eponymous Circuitry Man – that honour goes to Danner (Jim Meltzer), a lothario pleasure android roped into helping Lori out, who is often derisively referred to as “Circuitry Man” by Plughead, meaning I’m going to need to see if the scripts are online for a completely accurate “They said the thing!” count for this review. Also, there is a twist for Danner – he’s searching for his girlfriend and, not for the first time, has been coerced in this adventure by being promised with her location. The problem is that she’s been programmed into his psyche and doesn’t actually exist.
I’m genuinely surprised this one is so overlooked – I had a lot of fun watching it. There’s a fair amount of elements which will be familiar from The Matrix, and even Dark City, and it predates both by almost a decade. The tone is very different from those two movies, however – this one doesn’t take itself too seriously, but without ever getting silly enough to venture into parody. Dana Wheeler-Nicholson and Jim Meltzer do a fine job in their respective roles as Lori and Danner, as do all the cast. Also worth noting are Paul Willson and Andy Goldberg as the two comedy relief cops also on the tail of the stolen chips, who made me laugh every time they appeared. The real star of the show though is Vernon Wells. Anyone who’s seen Commando knows how fantastically entertaining he is as a psychotic and eccentric villain, and that’s exactly what he’s allowed to do here. Any time he’s onscreen, you know you’re getting at least a few great one-liners or outstanding facial expressions.
Beyond the setting and cast, it’s also great to look at. For what is a low budget movie from 1990, it looks good. Most of the effects are practical ones, such as the prosthetics for Plughead which, combined with the aforementioned facial expressions of Vernon Wells, make for a memorable villain. Likewise, the mechanical setup for even a fairly minor character such as Jugs is impressive. There’s absolutely movies nowadays which could easily manage similar costumes in a slicker manner, but it wouldn’t fit. Remember, this is the Shit Future. These aren’t people using cutting edge technology to make themselves more than human out of avarice, but out of necessity. Life underground is a drab, almost mundane existence, and they’re making the best of what they have. Fancier aesthetics wouldn’t work here, and for the budget they had for this movie, they’ve nailed the look perfectly.
If you missed this one the first time round and, like me, you have an affinity for stories full of weird characters and that quasi-futuristic look you only really ever seemed to find in movies of the 80’s and 90’s, Circuitry Man is well worth a visit. It’s fun, well-cast, looks cool, has Vernon Wells at his nutcase best, and doesn’t outstay it’s welcome. Which brings us to…
So after checking out the first movie with Dino, I stumbled upon the existence of a sequel. I mentioned in this here blog’s “about me” section how much I loved checking out video rental places as a kid, and seeing the cover art for this one unlocked a memory. I remember this cover! It was in the little independently run place in Grangemouth fairly often, and the cover often intrigued me, as I’d never seen anything like it before.
“Hey Dino, you know there’s a Circuitry Man 2?”
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah, it’s called “Plughead Rewired: Circuitry Man 2.”
“Oh man, I hate that!”
I wish I’d listened.
Everything about this movie is worse. Characters from the original movie are sidelined with little to no explanation (including Lori and Yoyo, two of the best characters). That balance I mentioned where it isn’t too serious but without becoming parody is gone, and it makes it worse. New characters are introduced, and they’re worse. Plughead, despite looking pretty much exactly the same, somehow looks worse.
In place of Lori and Yoyo, we have Kyle and Norma, played by Deborah Shelton and Traci Lords respectively. Two actresses who were made for movies like this. Or at least they would have been, had the quality been up to the level of the first movie. Hell, Traci Lords barely gets to do anything until near the end.
I’m maybe being harsh. It’s far from the worst movie I’ve ever seen (that distinction still belongs to River of Darkness, starring Kurt Angle, Kevin Nash, Psycho Sid and, of all other wrestlers, Glacier), but it’s so inferior to the original that you spend the entire thing just being disappointed. Vernon Wells, bless him, tries his damndest to make it good, and there’s a small but entertaining role for Tom Kenny (yes, the voice of Spongebob Squarepants, among others), but it’s not enough. I’ve long said I’ll always enjoy a “bad” movie over a mediocre one, and that’s exactly what this is. Not nearly good enough to hit the heights of the original, and not bad enough to loop round to being fun again.
All I can really say is, give it a miss. It’s not the fault of any of the actors. It just completely lacks the charm and energy of the original, despite the best efforts of some of the cast. Despite coming four years later, it somehow feels more dated. Not to mention the brief love scene between Danner and Kyle which came out of nowhere and felt completely out of place tonally, to the point it brought a “what the hell is this, Cinemax?” remark from Dino. They were both directed and written by Robert and Steven Lovy as well, so it’s not even down to an explicitly different creative input. It honestly feels like they didn’t fully get what people dug about the first movie when watching it.
In conclusion, absolutely check out the first movie. It’s a great fun film that is perfectly cast and despite the low budget approach, doesn’t feel dated in the slightest, which is remarkable for a movie of the genre made when it was. Only check out the sequel if you’re an insane completionist, or if you want to see an early live-action role from Tom Kenny, or if you just want to briefly see Deborah Shelton in the scud. And honestly, I have to imagine there’s more enjoyable examples of both out there.
Dino, sorry for putting you through that one, dude.
OTHER OBSERVATIONS/NOTES:
- Why would a leech drain an android?
- I’m always a sucker for custom credits, and the bit about “actual persons living, dead, or synthetic” was a funny touch.
- The combination of the desert scenes with the old style romantic music performed by Deborah Holland in the original kinda gave me Fallout New Vegas vibes, although obviously the movie predates that game by quite a bit.
- He has a huge filmography and still gets loads of work to this day, but it’s astonishing to me that Vernon Wells hasn’t starred in more bigger name movies than he has. The man is a phenomenal villain.
- Note to self: check out more movies fit for this blog with either Dana Wheeler-Nicholson, Barbara Alyn Woods, or Jim Meltzer, as all three were great.
- “THEY SAID THE THING!” count: I’ve no idea offhand as I couldn’t find the scripts, but Plughead pretty much only ever calls Danner “Circuitry Man”, so it’s a lot. I might try and count at a later date, but I don’t plan on sitting through the sequel again so it’d just be for the first movie.
- I couldn’t stop singing the title in my head to the tune of Particle Man by They Might Be Giants throughout. No chance of a repeat of the Creepozoids review though.
CIRCUITRY MAN is available cheap on the likes of Amazon Prime and Google Play. PLUGHEAD REWIRED: CIRCUITRY MAN 2, not so much, though you can find the DVD cheap on Amazon.
Ginger at the Pictures 
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